5 Tips for Parenting a Strong-Willed Child

For an adult, being strong-willed is more often than not viewed as an asset. Strong-willed people, after all, are more likely to be professionally successful, accomplish their goals in life, and persevere in the face of challenges.

But rewind the clock a bit and apply the strong-willed description to a young child and, suddenly, it takes on a different connotation (one that’s often discussed in hushed tones).

Strong-willed children can be viewed in a negative light, described as challenging, stubborn, argumentative, or difficult.

As the parent of a strong-willed child myself, there are certainly times when some of those things are true—days when I’m almost at wit’s end wondering how to navigate my son’s fierce and very well-articulated opinions and assertiveness.

But during recent conversations with a handful of parenting experts, I was heartened to learn that not only are there many tactics that can help me navigate my son’s strong-willed persona more effectively, but in the long run, this part of his personality may be truly beneficial for him.

What Is a Strong-Willed Child?

While every child is unique, there are some common characteristics and behaviors often associated with strong-willed kids, says Erin O’Connor, EdD, director of New York University's early childhood education program. They include:

• Determination and persistence 
• Strong opinions 
• Assertiveness 
• Willingness to challenge authority
• Strong sense of justice 
• Emotionally intense or more sensitive emotionally

This isn’t an exhaustive list, but these are some of the signs that you might be rearing a strong-willed child. Other behaviors associated with strong-willed children include angry outbursts, stubbornness, bossiness, impatience, and selective hearing.

“A strong-willed child can have some of these characteristics and not all of them,” says Dr. O’Connor. “But the determination, challenge to authority, and strong opinions tend to characterize most, if not all, children who are strong-willed.”

Additionally, strong-willed children typically exhibit these characteristics across multiple situations—such as both at home and school, adds Dr. O’Connor. If a child only displays these behaviors in one setting, such as only at school, or only at home, it may just be a situational issue.

But a child who is truly strong-willed regardless of the setting can make parenting hard to navigate at times. 

“A strong-willed child is a gift and a challenge,” says Jillian Amodio, a licensed social worker from Maryland-based Waypoint Wellness Center, who also runs an online mental health group for moms. “Strong-willed children are intelligent, self-assured, confident, inquisitive, curious, and more. They question authority, they have strong opinions, and they often have big personalities.”

Benefits of Being a Strong-Willed Child

While they might be uniquely challenging to parents, strong-willed children also possess many strengths that can help them achieve a life of success and fulfillment. 

“Many books have been written about strong-willed children and often describe this type of behavior as something that parents need to stamp out," says Daniel Lee, PhD, LCSW, a clinician-scientist at the University of Southern California’s Keck School of Medicine and head of youth mental health coaching at tapouts, which provides virtual coaching sessions for children. "It’s often associated with children ignoring their parents, non-compliance, defiance, or being stubborn."

The reality is, however, that there are plenty of beneficial aspects of being strong-willed, continues Dr. Lee. Such individuals, for instance, are tenacious, goal-oriented, and they’re gritty. All of these things contribute to being a person who often persists toward long-term goals, which results in positive life outcomes.

“You want a child to be goal-oriented—especially if they can be autonomous when being goal-oriented,” explains Dr. Lee.

Being assertive is another element of a strong-willed personality that can be helpful in life. This is especially true when it comes to career success. “If you look at it through a positive lens, strong-willed children who are assertive tell you exactly what they want,” says  Dr. Lee. “If you think of that in the workplace and salary negotiations, it can be very helpful to have the confidence to ask for what you want.”

Strong-willed children can also grow into adults who have substantial leadership skills, yet another asset that’s common among successful individuals.

Plus, strong-willed children aren't usually swayed by the crowd and stand up for what they believe is right—even when it goes against their peers.

Tips for Parenting a Strong-Willed Child

Choose your battles

It’s easy for parents to get burned out by conflict or the battle of wills in a household with a strong-willed child. But you don’t have to engage in every battle. Instead, you can pick and choose your battles based on what you feel is most important for a particular day or time.

“Then you can choose to let some things slide, especially when your child may be more emotionally dysregulated,” says Dr. Lee.

What’s more, some battles are going to be repeat battles, meaning they will pop up again and again over time, explains Dr. Lee. So if you approach parenting a strong-willed child as a journey, then you can try to focus on what you really need your child to accomplish on one specific day and relax a little when it comes to some of the other challenge points.

Amodio also recommends this approach, advising parents to let some of the more minor things go.

“If it doesn't really matter, then save your time—and your child's patience—for what really does,” says Amodio. “Does the behavior need to change or is it just annoying? I suggest focusing on one problematic behavior at a time. If a problem is a safety or quality of life concern, put your focus there. If it’s a personal preference, consider being flexible with your expectations.”

Have clear expectations 

Children thrive with boundaries, structure, and routine, says Amodio. They might complain about these things, but deep down, it's what keeps them feeling safe and supported. 

“To avoid frustrations and battles with strong-willed kids, make sure you set boundaries that are easy to understand and consistently the same,” Amodio explains. “Routine and structure will add a sense of control for them, as they know what to expect.”

When children have consistent boundaries, they have the freedom to choose how to behave within those boundaries. And if they do decide to push boundaries, they also have a clear understanding of the consequences.

Find ways to give your child some autonomy 

For strong-willed children, it’s critical they feel like they have a voice and get to make some decisions for themselves, says Alana Carvalho, LMHC, and author of Raising Empowered Children.

“While this can make the parent feel like they’re losing control and we don’t want that to happen, what we do want is the child to have some ability to make decisions," says Carvalho. "Children still want to know the parent has the power, but they also want to feel empowered themselves."

Providing choices rather than issuing demands can help you accomplish this goal with strong-willed children. The choices can be as simple as: "I know you can put your shoes on but we’re running late, do you think you can do it quickly or do you need a little bit of help?” Or "I know you really want to watch more TV; I want to watch more TV too, but it's important that our bodies and minds get rest so it is bedtime. Would you like to turn the TV off or do you want me to turn it off?"

Dr. Lee calls this giving kids agency: “When given choices between two things (and usually not more), they are more likely to feel a sense of agency rather than feeling forced into something, which can help them feel empowered.”

Explain your reasoning

Strong-willed children often need to understand the why behind requests, decisions, or boundaries that parents establish. Taking the time to explain your reasoning can head off what might otherwise be a battle.

“Parents don’t have to justify their requests, but strong-willed kids want to understand our thought process,” says Carvalho.

Rather than just telling a strong-willed child “This is what we have to do,” you can explain why it’s important to do something in a particular way and what the beneficial outcome will be. Sharing your thought process helps a strong-willed child feel like they are being treated more like an adult and are being taken seriously.

Use rewards the right way

Rewards can sometimes get a bad rap in parenting, but they can be used effectively to reinforce behaviors that you want to see more of.

“Rewards don’t always need to be tied to material things, and they don’t solely need to be to curb unwanted behavior; it can be used to promote positive behaviors,” Dr. Lee explains.

For instance, if your strong-willed child is refusing to do their chores because they’re in the middle of something else, you can say, “You first have to finish cleaning up your room and when you finish, guess what? You can go play Fortnite for 30 minutes.” 

You can also use your words as a reward. If your strong-willed child is bent on doing something their way but ends up listening to you, take the time to notice those moments and verbally acknowledge them. Reward them with praise and attention.

“Positive praise goes a long way for strong-willed kids. All too often kids hear what they are doing wrong and it makes a huge difference when they hear what they are doing right,” says Amodio. “One of the most effective ways to change or influence behavior is through positive praise. Praise for the little things and the big things.”

When To Seek Professional Help

If you find that navigating the dynamics with a strong-willed child becomes too overwhelming or frustrating or you’re at the end of your rope, then it can be a good idea to seek outside assistance. It can also be worth seeking help if there are safety or quality of life concerns, say experts.

You might start by joining a support group for parents of strong-willed children or engaging a parenting coach. Additional options include counseling sessions for the parent or the child, or both.

“If parents need some insight and assistance in working through strategies, then reaching out to a professional can be quite helpful,” says Amodio. “Reaching out for help doesn't mean we are failing; it means we are smartly using the resources that are available.”