The Best Discipline Strategies for School-Aged Kids

As your child ages, effective discipline tactics and behavior challenges don't change as much as you might expect. However, you'll want to tailor your approach to suit your growing child. Your 6-, 7-, 8-, and 9-year-old is no longer a little kid, but they still need guidance, supervision, love, and limits.

Along with growing skills and autonomy, you may also experience more conflict and a testing of limits that can be very frustrating. Using these discipline strategies for school-age kids can help remove the power struggle and build better relationships between kids and parents.

Common School-Age Behavior Challenges

Don’t be surprised if your 6-, 7-, 8-, and 9-year-old child suddenly refuses to turn off the TV, do their homework, or clear the dishes when you ask them to. Defiant behavior is common among children at this stage as they become more articulate and able to express their thoughts.

If your child has siblings, you may notice arguments happening between them during these years. They may even compete with each other and for their parent's attention.

School-age children may challenge rules and limits. They may become argumentative and competitive. They may lie to get out of trouble or avoid embarrassment, and they may postpone, ignore, dawdle, or complain when requests are made of them.

Effective Discipline Strategies for School-Age Kids

Disciplining your 6- to 9-year-old can be tricky, especially as kids of this age can become expert negotiators and button-pushers. However, keeping consistent limits, expectations, and schedules can help to provide an effective environment for your child and family to thrive. Consider these tried and true strategies for disciplining school-aged children.

Focus on good behavior

If you find yourself constantly chastising your child for things like tracking mud into the house, not completing their homework, or forgetting to make their bed, it may help to flip your language and focus on the positives instead. Praise them for what you see that you like or even the effort to follow your directions, even if it doesn't always end up going perfectly.

"Whatever you focus on is what you get more of," explains Heather Wallace, a Love and Logic parenting facilitator, certified pediatric sleep consultant, and the owner of BraveHeart Consulting. "When you describe the positive behaviors that you notice in a nonjudgmental way, your child will know the exact behavior you are looking for."

They want to please you and letting them know what you want them to do sets them up for success.

You may need to remind your child a few times until they get the hang of any new expectations. Let them know that you notice their success. A little bit of praise can truly go a long way.

Use time-out

Time-out isn't just for toddler discipline. However, it looks a little different as kids mature into their school years. For little ones, time-out is a quick punishment tool, but for older kids, it should be a cool-off period.

"When your child is upset, they cannot reason or process language, explanations, or consequences," says Wallace. "Therefore, it is very important that both you and your child are calm before you address the behavior. In order to get there, you or your child might need a time-out."

Sending your child to their room for a few minutes can help them deescalate their emotions so that they're mentally ready to have a discussion about their behavior and make better choices moving forward.

Talking briefly about what they did wrong and why it's not permitted can be very helpful with school-age kids. Unlike toddlers, these children have developed a good understanding of moral reasoning.

Make enforceable statements

Power struggles are common with school-aged kids, who are asserting their burgeoning independence. While you're probably proud that your child can tie their own shoes, ride a bike, and make themselves a simple meal, you may be frustrated when they refuse to clean their room or do their homework.

Avoid the power struggle by telling kids what they can do, rather than what they can't. For example, "Feel free to play baseball with your friends as soon as your room is clean," works so much better than, "Clean your room or you can't play baseball!"

Following through is vital when it comes to statements like these. "When parents' actions match their words, children are comforted, as there doesn't need to be a guessing game as to what will happen next," explains Wallace.

Provide logical consequences

Discipline is all about teaching kids how to behave. Often, punishments don't achieve that goal. If your child sneaks extra iPad time late at night and the consequence is that they can't have dessert the following evening, you'll most likely end up with a child who is angry at you, but likely to sneak the iPad again if they think they won't be caught.

Instead, calmly let your child know that you'll have to take their iPad away for a while because they broke the rules. They are more likely to change their behavior in the future if the consequence is directly related to the offense. Unrelated consequences are more likely to make kids feel confused, defensive, and wronged.

"Logical consequences are powerful because it allows there to be a lesson without shame or anger so that the child does not revert to fight or flight and is able to truly learn from the consequence," notes Wallace.

Allow for natural consequences

It's often said that experience is the best teacher, and whenever it's safe to do so, it can help to leverage this concept. For example, if your 9-year-old doesn’t pack their snack for the park when you tell them, the consequence is they won’t have a snack to eat. Feeling a little hungry or disappointed may help them remember to pack a snack in the future more than your constant reminders.

"When a child experiences the effects of a choice they made, it stands out in their brain and they will be able to recall it when they need to make a decision next time," explains Wallace.

Natural consequences promote learning very effectively, and you can use these strategies to teach your kids natural consequences. However, it's important to prioritize your child's safety. When a natural consequence is unsafe, use a logical consequence instead.

Create a token economy system

If your child is really struggling with a behavior, such as lying consistently about getting their homework done or getting into frequent fights at school, it can help to set goals together and use positive reinforcement. Rewarding improvement is an effective motivator for many kids.

First, investigate possible reasons for the behavior and provide any necessary interventions. Maybe your child is really struggling with a certain math concept and they need extra support so that they can be successful. Maybe your child is being bullied and they are retaliating. In this case, the bullying needs to be addressed.

Next, set a goal, such as completing all homework assignments for a week straight or maintaining self-control for three consecutive days. Make sure the goal is specific and attainable.

Chart the goal in some way, and establish a simple token economy system that allows your child to earn chips or tokens. A small jar of marbles to fill up works well. Allow kids to exchange tokens for privileges, like time on electronics or an opportunity to go on a special outing.

Preventing Future Problems for School-Age Kids

Not all behavioral problems can be prevented. However, there are ways to encourage good behavior in your school-aged child and minimize acting out.

Connect with your child

If your child is misbehaving, they may be trying to communicate something to you. Kids don't always know how to identify or express their emotional needs. Try to be a detective of sorts. If your child just started a new school, they may be struggling with the transition and need reassurance. If your child feels lonely, they may be misbehaving to get your attention.

Spending quality time with your child can prevent behavior problems. It may help to set aside a few minutes each day to give your child your undivided attention. You might play a game, talk about your day, or play catch. By giving your child plenty of positive attention, you'll reduce attention-seeking behaviors. Moreover, your child will be more inclined to want to follow your rules.

Keep an eye on academics

Pay attention to your child's homework load. Some behavior problems may stem from a child's frustration over not understanding the work.

Help your child establish good habits that will help them be successful at school. Create a homework area, designate a homework time, and stay on top of your child's progress.

Address minor concerns through after-school time with a teacher or tutor. More significant concerns may lead to a diagnosis of a mental health issue such as ADHD or a learning disability such as dyslexia.

Use an authoritative approach

Parents are most effective when they are neither authoritarian (unquestionable) nor permissive (have no expectations). Research shows an authoritative approach to parenting leads to the most successful outcomes in children. With this parenting style, you remain warm and supportive while also enforcing reasonable rules.

Establish high expectations for your child but give plenty of support and warmth. Instead of letting them stay up past their bedtime because they're having so much fun, kindly enforce bedtime and remind them that sleep is important for learning and mood.

Validate feelings and show empathy, but establish clear rules and give consequences when those rules are broken.

Communication Tips for School-Age Kids

Developing productive, positive communication with your child is key to gaining compliance. Rather than drawn-out conversations that shame your child for misbehaving, aim for brief chats about how to make better choices. It's important to leave space for feelings and questions. It's the behavior that needs to change, not your child's emotions.

Model a respectful, calm tone when you talk with your child. They'll be looking to you to learn how to deal with emotions and difficult social situations, so it’s important to stay calm when you’re communicating.

Problem-solve together

When your child exhibits specific unacceptable behaviors, sit down with them and problem-solve the issue together. School-age kids can be very honest about what would help resolve the problem. For example, if they repeatedly forget to bring things to school, ask questions like, "What would help you remember?"

Give the reason for the rule

Provide a simple explanation for the reasons behind your rules. Talk about safety, health, morals, caring for your community, or social etiquette. Then, your child will understand you aren’t simply trying to make their life miserable, but instead, you want the best for them.

Stay calm, yet firm

It can be very frustrating when your child misbehaves, but staying calm helps your child stay calm, too. It also helps them stay in a frame of mind where they are able to listen to you and learn to correct their behavior.

Calm doesn't mean permissive, however. You want your child to understand that you mean what you say, and you will enforce it. It's possible to be both calm and firm at the same time.

Validate feelings

If your child is unhappy that screen time lasts only 60 minutes per day or that they're not allowed to go on sleepovers (after they broke a rule at the last one), that's understandable. Allow your child to express their disappointment. Teach your child that feelings are OK. It’s what they do with those feelings that matter. Encourage kids to express themselves in healthy ways, such as drawing, talking, or writing.