How To Discipline Teens

When your child becomes a teenager, your parenting role begins to shift. You may become more of a guide rather than a teacher. However, teenagers will still need help and support in making the right decisions, as well as a safe place to turn when they make a mistake.

"Use of consistent expectations, praise, and consequences are important for teens, just as they are important for all children across development," says Katharine Reynolds, PhD, a licensed psychologist at Children’s Hospital Colorado and assistant psychiatry professor at the University of Colorado School of Medicine.

And when you do need to step in to guide your child, instead of doling out punishment for your teen, here are some behavioral and disciplinary strategies you can try.

What Are Normal Teen Behaviors?

Teens, like all children, are unique individuals, but you can expect some typical behaviors in this age group.

Focus on privacy

Teens usually want more independence and privacy and have an increasing focus on their social lives. They may want to keep their social media conversations private and spend a lot more time in their room with the door closed.

High emphasis on relationships with peers

"As many teens are at the end stages of puberty, their interest in romantic relationships will also increase," says Dr. Reynolds.

A growing interest in autonomy goes hand-in-hand with their increasing attention to their friends and the world beyond their families.

Testing boundaries

Teens like to test the limits of their independence, explains Caroline Fulton, PsyD, a child and adolescent psychologist at Northwestern Medicine Central DuPage Hospital in Winfield, Illinois. Don’t be surprised if your teen argues when you say no, or if they go behind your back to do as they please.

Periodically breaking curfew, sneaking out, and making other mistakes are also common teen behaviors.

There’s also often a tug-of-war between parents and teens. Your child may demand your assistance one minute and claim they don't need you the next.

Common Challenges for Teens

The sometimes tumultuous changes of adolescence are a normal part of growing up. It can be tricky to strike a balance that gives your child enough freedom yet still offers plenty of guidance.

"Parents should aim to give their teens some space to express themselves, while also ensuring they are meeting basic responsibilities and behaving safely," suggests Dr. Fulton.

Some common challenges for teens include:

• Wanting more freedom than they can handle, which may mean breaking rules and/or wanting a later curfew, unlimited access to their electronic devices, or a new phone.
• Complaining that you're too controlling or don't understand them, and lying to get out of trouble.
• Experimenting with different personas, interests, and ways of dressing to express themself in new ways, some of which parents may not like.
• Having a short temper, rolling their eyes at you, and/or talking back.
• Having relationship troubles, friend issues, and school-related problems.
  

Discipline Strategies for Teens That Work

Consequences, rather than punishments, are an effective way to influence your child's behavior and teach key skills that may be lagging, says Dr. Reynolds.

Here are some tips for disciplining teenagers.

• Be firm and consistent, but also fair and reasonable. Your teen is old enough to understand when the consequence fits the crime, and they'll be more cooperative when they know you're not just trying to exert your power over them.
• Have a goal in mind. Instead of punishing teens, the goal should be consequences related to the infraction. This will teach them an important lesson, rather than humiliate them or break them down.
• Have flexibility as they get older. It's also important to be flexible and willing to rethink your limits as your teen matures. Your relationship should be changing into a more collaborative one, where you still hold the final word.

With those tips in mind, you can also choose some specific disciplinary strategies for teens that might work for your family.

Open dialogue

The bedrock of effective discipline for teens is open communication, trust, and respect between the parent and child.

If you have frequent, nonjudgmental conversations with your teen, they'll feel heard and may be more likely to talk to you when challenged, such as handling peer pressure or drug and alcohol use.

"Proactive conversations about these topics help prepare your teen for when they encounter these things in their increasingly independent lives," explains Dr. Reynolds.

If you already have a positive communication channel open with your teen, they'll be more likely to respond cooperatively to your disciplinary measures.

Praise and rewards

Even though teens are increasingly independent, you should still acknowledge their accomplishments and efforts.

"Highlighting your teen’s achievements and successes (either with verbal praise or another reward) is an important strategy for developing and maintaining positive behaviors," says Dr. Reynolds.

Consistent house rules

It's helpful for families to develop and maintain a set of “house rules” that are linked with an automatic consequence, such as loss of a privilege when they're broken, suggests Dr. Reynolds. 

The key is to establish the rules and consequences before any infractions occur so that everyone knows what to expect.

You may also consider generating your family's house rules together with your teen. "This doesn’t mean your teen alone makes the rules, but you may be surprised to see that they can be quite reasonable about what they are seeking," says Dr. Fulton. "They are also more likely to internalize and follow the expectations if they have been included in making them."

Removing privileges

If your teen violates the rules, they may be showing you they can’t handle the freedom you’re giving them, explains Dr. Reynolds.

This can be framed as not just a punishment, but a restriction in trusting them with specific privileges. When your teen can show you that they can be responsible, they can have the opportunity to earn their privileges back.

Know that your child may not always be happy with your decisions or want to face the consequences of breaking rules. "Expecting to be liked by your child all of the time may make it hard to set and enforce limits," says Dr. Fulton.

Natural consequences

Natural consequences can be the best teachers in certain situations. But it’s important to make sure the natural consequences will really teach your teen a life lesson.

For example, if they refuse to wear a coat, they may end up cold. Or if they don't study for a test, they may not do well.

In these types of circumstances, it can be instructive to back off and let your teen face the consequences of their choices. (Of course, these are not always clear-cut situations, and in some cases, your teen needs to know it's OK to make mistakes and they can have support when they need it!)

Extra responsibilities

If your teenager’s behavior hurts someone else, create a plan to make amends. This is also called restitution or restorative justice.

Apologizing is the first step, followed by doing something to make up for the wrong they did. For instance, fixing something they broke or doing an extra chore for someone may help repair the relationship and remind them to accept responsibility for their behavior.

Avoid power struggles

When your teen says, “That’s not fair!” or “I’ll do it later,” resist the temptation to argue. Set a firm limit and follow through with a consequence, says Dr. Fulton.

Make it clear that they don't have to like your decision and it's fine to be upset. Their emotions are always welcome, but they still need to follow what you say.

Aim to stay calm and empathetic while also staying true to your choice. Moreover, avoid getting sucked into a heated power struggle.

Brainstorm solutions together

If your teen has broken a rule or been disrespectful, consider brainstorming possible solutions with them. Ask them what happened, what they think about their behavior, and how they might make up for it.

Listen while they suggest possible reasonable consequences for their actions. Then, you can discuss the pros and cons of each option before deciding which one you think makes the most sense.

Be sure to have this conversation at a time when you're both calm and have had a chance to think things through. You might find that talking through possible disciplinary actions gets them more engaged in making amends and doing better in the future. This approach also turns a misstep into a learning opportunity you can both feel good about.

Preventing Future Challenges

Aim to find the right balance between letting your teen explore new freedoms and offering guidance and structure, suggests Dr. Reynolds. Try these strategies to prevent behavior problems in teenagers.

Have clear expectations

Before dropping your teen off at the movies or letting them walk to the skate park alone, make sure they know the plan. Tell them what you want them to do if they encounter a problem and what time you expect them to be home.

If there are other parameters, such as staying at a certain friend's house or calling to check in, be sure they understand those, too.

"Avoid giving your teen full decision-making without oversight. While teens are increasingly capable, they still need to be given boundaries and limits," says Dr. Fulton. Your teen will often live up to your expectations, as long as those expectations are reasonable and developmentally appropriate.

Listen to your teen

While it's important to have effective communication with children of all ages, once they are teenagers, you should start doing less of the talking.

With teens, you want to take the time to listen, ask questions, and support your child's journey toward figuring out their own solutions to their problems. Talking out their issues can help them understand what they're feeling and cope with whatever is going on.

Spend time together

Give your teen positive attention to build a solid foundation for your relationship. Be willing to step into your teen’s world by learning how to play a video game or by watching a teen movie. Shoot hoops with them, go on a hike, do an art project, or listen to music they like.

If it's an activity they enjoy, they will be even more enthusiastic—and it shows them you're interested in them and their preferences.

Teen Communication Tips

Your teen can’t stop talking to their friends, but the minute you ask how their day was, they have nothing to say. Communicating with your teen may feel like an uphill battle sometimes—just don't stop trying.

Communicate regularly

Healthy communication is at the heart of any good relationship. When your teen knows they can talk to you, they'll be more likely to seek your guidance.

Insisting your teen sit down and discuss serious subjects may cause them to shut down. Instead, opt for more frequent, casual chats. Aim to be nonjudgmental and listen to what they have to say. It's key for them to know that you care about what's going on in their life, says Dr. Reynolds.

Don't push

Sometimes, the more you push for information, the more they'll withdraw or get annoyed. It’s healthy for your teen to gain some independence, so don’t insist that they tell you everything that's happening in their life.

Help them identify several other healthy adults they could always turn to for advice. An aunt, grandmother, coach, teacher, or neighbor might be someone your child feels comfortable talking to about certain subjects.

Step into their world

Your teen may communicate more freely over social media or through text messages. So, be willing to step into your teen’s world and talk to them in whatever form they seem most comfortable with.