Strategies for Dealing With Your Child's Misbehavior at School

Getting a note or a phone call about your child's misbehavior at school can be hard. You might feel confused, upset, or embarrassed—all of which are natural reactions.

If your child gets into a fight at recess or says something unkind to another student, don't panic. The first step is to work with school administrators and teachers to determine the underlying cause of your child's behavior. Then, you'll be able to involve them in the process of developing a behavior plan that addresses their needs.

Here's how to deal with your child misbehaving in school and steps you can take to help them improve.

Establish Regular Communication

If your child's misbehavior is an isolated incident, monitor their behavior for a few days to make sure it gets better. If, on the other hand, your child is repeatedly getting in trouble at school, it might be helpful to establish daily communication with their teacher or a school administrator.

Devise a monitoring system

Contact your child's teacher to discuss how you can work together to address your child's behavior. This includes discussing how you can monitor your child's behavior daily. For example, you might create a journal or daily report card that keeps you informed and allows you to address misbehavior quickly.

Decide how to communicate

Teachers often have a preferred method for parent communication. For example, some teachers will record colored smiley faces (green, yellow, or red) to track a child's behavior throughout the day, while others prefer to write a quick note.

Communicate frequently

Ask your child's teacher to send home behavior updates every day—not just on the days when your child misbehaves. Kids feel good when they can show you they've done well at school. When they have days that don't go well, you can work together to come up with ways to make the next day better.

Work as a team

Let your child's teacher know you want to support them. Staying flexible will help show them that you're keeping their needs in mind too.

Reward Desirable Behavior

Establish positive consequences to reinforce the behavior you want to see. This involves praising your child when you receive favorable reports from teachers. Celebrating these successes will motivate your child to continue working on their behavior. Don’t expect perfection, but do challenge your child to work hard.

To provide more incentive to do well, set daily or weekly goals, and reward your child when they reach them. For example, if your child goes three days in a row without any disciplinary action at school, celebrate by cooking their favorite dinner.

Remember that rewards don’t need to cost money. You can link your child's positive behavior to privileges, such as extra video game time or a trip to the park.

Problem Solve With Your Child

On the days when your child has a hard time managing their behavior, discuss how they can do better the next day. Here are some tips.

Stay calm

Calmly talk with your child and ask for their input. Using a problem-solving approach can make them more willing to talk about how they feel.

Find reasons behind the behavior

Sometimes, kids can clearly explain the reason for their behavior. For instance, your child might be disrupting class because they're bored. The solution might be asking your child's teacher to provide them with more challenging assignments.

See if they need extra support

Misbehavior can also stem from not knowing how to do the work. Kids sometimes decide they would rather appear “bad” than “stupid.” They might act out rather than ask for help.

Let Your Child Express Their Feelings

According to the National Association of School Psychologists (NASP), children often won't talk about their concerns because they're confused or don't want to worry their parents. Reassure your child that talking can be helpful, especially if they have questions or worries. Here are some ideas for talking with your kids.

Encourage them to share their feelings

Give your child space to talk about how they feel and why—even if their statements don't make sense or their thoughts are jumbled. The important thing is that they're expressing themselves.

Provide reassurance

Once they're done sharing, reaffirm that it's OK to feel upset, but assure them that they're safe. You may want to share ideas on how you deal with stress and anxiety. Then, work together to find a solution that fits their needs.

Give them choices

Kids become empowered when they feel like they have some control over their lives. Likewise, having a sense of agency can reduce fear. Be compassionate about the challenges your child is facing and find ways to give them some control, such as letting them decide what to pack in their lunch or which clothes to wear.

Avoid pressure

If your child isn’t ready or willing to talk, don’t pressure them. Instead, the next time your child has a day that goes well, ask them what they did and how things went to help them become more aware of what worked. This can give you both valuable insight that you can use to encourage your child on not-so-easy days.